Alzheimer's

My memory, or lack of memory, is bothering me. I’m sure it’s getting worse. I can basically remember what I do, but the boyfriend will often ask me if I remember that CD he played me, or do I remember when we did xxxxx, and do I remember when we had xxxxxx conversation. I quite often look at him blankly because I have no idea what he’s talking about. Either my boyfriend has a photographic memory, or mine is just screwed. Is it medication? Is it depression? Is it some horrible disease? Will it just keep on getting worse until I don’t even remember my own name? I couldn’t remember what day of the week it was yesterday. I just didn’t know whether it was Monday or Tuesday. I had to actually think about it. I sat in my room on Sunday, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do at work the next day. I can usually recall these lost facts, but it takes a considerable effort.

I guess I am still depressed. It’s hard to tell. I do feel very lethargic, and rather than looking forward to my future I am resigned to it. I function day to day, but with little enjoyment. I’ll have a few moments of excitement, then I tire myself out, and sink into apathy again. Could be depression, or meds, or just life. I don’t know what is normal anymore. I don’t know if people are supposed to recall entire conversations, or actually look forward to a new day.

All I know is that if you ask me what I did the weekend before last I wouldn’t have a clue. If you ask me what the last thing I saw at the cinema was, I wouldn’t have a clue. It’s just gone. And what’s the point in living if you don’t remember any of it? It makes me wonder what the point of living actually is, even for those people whose memories are still there. Because you do all of these things, and then you die, and all those things you loved and treasured and all those events that shaped you are gone. And now I have to stop this train of thought, because it could go into some very difficult areas. I’ll have to start thinking about clothes, and what I’m going to eat for dinner, because that’s much safer isn’t it?