Urgh. My biggest problem at the moment is anxiety. I can push the rising panic down at the moment. But it’s always there. I know why. First it was the seminars, now it’s my upcoming trip to Paris. I’ve always wanted to go to Paris, but it’s a big deal for me to do it. It’s not that I’m scared of any one thing in particular, it’s more a feeling of ‘will I be able to cope with this or will I just collapse in a heap on the floor?’ ‘Will I be able to negotiate the Metro, order French food, wander round the tourist attractions without fear?’ I fear the unknown. If I can’t picture how things will be I panic. I’ve never been to Paris before. I know a little French but not enough to have a proper conversation. I know not to order escargot however. So I can almost guarantee I will not be putting any snails into my mouth. Yuk.
I tried to go to Paris once before. I was on a coach with Suzanne, heading for Dover. Then I panicked. Suzanne always has valium, so I took 2 of her tablets. I fell asleep for a while, but when I woke up the panic was so severe that at the service station I puked and cried, and I had to get my dad to pick us up, because I simply couldn’t go any further. Suzanne, luckily, is a good friend, and she understood. I cried for hours. I cried in the service station, surrounded by other people, and not one of them took any notice of me. I fell asleep again in the car on the way home. The valium made me drowsy but couldn’t stop the panic. It wasn’t just panic though. It was some terrible, terrible feeling. I would have done anything to stop it. I would have trampled my own mother in order to run away from this panic.
I don’t even know what I was so scared about. I tried hypnotism to get rid of that panic, and as a result I have been able to spend weeks away with the boyfriend. But Paris is a different matter. Paris is another continent. I will be out of my comfort zone. I hope I can do it. I want to be able to travel. I have this idea that if I travel my life will have been more worthwhile.
Our hotel in Paris overlooks Notre Dame. We have a balcony. It was quite a lot of money but we’re only staying 3 nights, and it should be amazing. They eat some weird stuff over there, but they have good cakes, so I won’t starve. Apparently they have self-cleaning toilets, which scares me a little. What if I it starts self cleaning when I’m in there?? I’m afraid I’m not very wordly wise. I’m working on it though. If all goes well in Paris, I would like to try New York, and Budapest, and I want to visit Transylvania, and Tokyo.
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3 comments:
Panic is something I understand well. Let me ask you this: are you worried about having panic attacks while you are in Paris? Are you worried about their severity? Is it possible for you to become a passenger to these attacks? I mean: a passenger to the symptoms. When an attack comes, let it flow through your body. Don't resist it, just let it happen. It should subside in a half hour to 45 minutes (the worst of it anyway). They can happen longer but it helps if you know that you will most likely survive the feeling. It just really stinks that the overall symptoms are so severe.
Let me know.
Boo
Yes, I think it's just worrying about panicking in Paris. I find that the panic does subside over time, but then it comes back again! It's like wave after wave of panic. I should be ok this time around, due to the hypnotherapy, I hope!
Hypnotherapy should help.
The best advice I can give you is that when you feel one coming on (the rapid heart beat, the skin clamminess, the "fear") just remember that the attack is the bodys fight or flight reaction. You honestly have nothing to fear but the physical symptoms are something we associate with fear. That's why we fear them. I had panic disorder for 12 years before I started taking meds. My life became a cycle of "am I going to have an attack?" every day. Then of course, when you fear an attack, one generally comes on. So, here's what to do when you get one:
1) Breathe deeply.
2) Don't fear it. You are not going to die even though you feel like you are going to die.
3) relax. Try to listen to the noises around you.
4) if you're outside, walk. Walk fast. Get a little exercise while the attack is happening as you will have plenty of adrenaline to burn. The other symptoms will start to diminish. You're body wants to move. Let it but in a focused way.
5) explain to your boyfriend what is happening and what you plan to do about it.
Remember, you'll be fine. Once you regain confidence in yourself, these attacks will diminish.
Did you mention you were on 40mg Prosac? That might help you a lot. The prozac has virtually eliminated panic attacks in me. When I do get them, they are so mild I don't really pay attention to them. That's another thing the drugs are really good at!
Let me know how it goes.
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