This morning the nice Pakistani man in the newsagents asked me if I’d had a good weekend, and if I’d gone to the pub, to which I said something about the fact that I don’t drink. ‘Ah’ says he, ‘you don’t smoke and you don’t drink. You must be very healthy.’ How I laughed inside. How I smiled to myself. He has no idea.
I did have a good weekend actually, blissed out on codeine. There was one blip – I was spending the entire weekend with the boyfriend and we’d gone to see Ross Noble at the Oxford theatre on Saturday night, and I usually find him really funny, but on that night I couldn’t laugh as much. A nasty reminder that my depression has merely been tamed, not eradicated.
However, on Sunday the boyfriend and I went to Blenheim Palace. It’s quite a middle aged thing to do, but we were bored, and we didn’t know what else to do. And we fancied a walk, and what prettier place than Blenheim Palace? Anyway, they have a butterfly house, which is essentially a giant, hot greenhouse with lots of butterflies flying around. Many beautiful species of butterfly and flowers, and they let the butterflies fly free around the public, and one landed, briefly, on my head, which was actually a bit scary. They’re pretty to look at, but not so nice having them tangled in your hair. Anyway, it was almost a spiritual experience, watching these pretty butterflies flit around you, with lots of pretty flowers. There were even some exotic looking finches twittering away and flying about. Occasionally a butterfly would land on a plant, and didn’t seem to mind me staring at them.
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About Me
- Girl, Interrupted
- I wanted to write a blog about normal stuff, but it has turned into a memoir of depression, with a few mundane observations thrown in for good measure.
1 comment:
My grandmother keeps exclaiming how surprised she is that I'm depressed. I guess, similar to the nice man from Pakistan, we know how to put on a good face. Depression can take a physical toll but sometimes, it does not show itself for years.
Something like the butterfly exhibit is great to experience because you are taken out of yourself for a while and see a part of the world that just exists because it does. No rhyme or reason. There it is. No thought, no controversy, no inner turmoil. Butterflies just ARE. Perhaps visiting a beach or a hike through some area might help as well. Something to take the focus off the deep black hole.
I worry about the codeine. I absolutely understand it's attraction. No question the euphoria is better than the depression. I'm just concerned you won't be able to break that codeine habit if it goes on too much longer. I'm not trying to be judgemental - just concerned.
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