Antidepressant Musings...

I finished reading ‘Dearly Devoted Dexter’ last night. Dexter is a serial killer who also works for the police, and manages to lead a double life. He calls his desire to kill his ‘dark passenger,’ and he has the ability to detect other people who have the same evil tendencies. I thought about my own life, and how even though I’m not a serial killer (you’ll be relieved to know), I am depressed, or ‘mentally ill’ (a term which I hate). My ‘dark passenger’ doesn’t tell me to kill, but it tells me that I’m not good enough, and makes me see things in a bleaker, darker way, and I can accurately sense when someone else is like me. I don’t know if this applies to other depressed people, but I can tell when I look at someone whether they are like me, or have the potential to be like me.

Today I’m feeling a bit stressed. I have a seminar I have to go to, in London, and I will be expected to contribute a few opinions. There are many reasons why I am nervous about it. I remember a lovely 5 months back in 2002 that I spent under the influence of citalopram, the first antidepressant I ever tried. It worked fantastically for 5 months, and then the effects wore off. I think I experienced a rare ‘euphoric’ side effect to it at first. I felt very serene and I never used to worry about anything. How I wish I could experience that again. I’ve tried many, many other antidepressants and never recaptured that euphoria again. I wish my current 20mg prozac dosage would help me to stop worrying about this stupid seminar. Isn’t it strange how I make myself worry, yet I cannot make myself stop. I know to a person without mental illness I would seem weak and pathetic, but the stress and anxiety is just there, and it forces it’s way out whether you like it or not, and no amount of rationalization will get rid of it.

I’ve resorted to a new low now, which I’m reluctant to admit, but I want to be honest. I take codeine sometimes, which makes me feel serene for an hour or so. When it kicks in I get a relaxed feeling all over my body. I can actually feel it hitting me. And I feel ok. Codeine is an opiate. It’s a watered down version of morphine, which is a watered down version of heroin. So it’s like I’m taking a very, very mild heroin hit, in a perfectly legal way. I think in some countries it’s only available on prescription, but here in the UK you can buy it over the counter. I don’t recommend taking codeine to relieve stress, because it can be addictive. I know it’s a stupid thing to do. I only take one dose on particularly stressful days. Other people drink to forget, or they smoke dope, or snort cocaine. Me, I take a legal pain killer and I stick to the recommended dose. How very square of me. Don’t do drugs kids.