A Rant About Lunch

Fear. One of the most powerful human emotions, designed to keep us safe. And it does. But it also keeps us from living as fully as we should. And right now, it is hounding me. Not because I’m in danger, not because I have a job interview, but because I have to go to the pub at lunch with my work people. In my world, going to lunch with the people you work with ignites a flicker of fear. I seem to have a BIG fear of the unknown, and this lunch contains many unknowns. And there will be at least 12 people there. So there are complexities such as where to sit, what to order, how to order, what to say, how little I can get away with saying, etc. I’ve often thought I might have AvPD (avoidant personality disorder). Look it up on google, and you will see a nice little description of me. I’ve never been formally diagnosed. As far as my doctor is concerned I’m just a depressive. Anyway, my avoidant tendencies mean that going to lunch with lots of people is a stressful experience, whereas your average person would be looking forward to a nice meal. I agreed to the lunch because someone is leaving, and I don’t want to appear aloof, even though I am. I KNOW why I do all of this. I know exactly why I am the way I am. It’s fear of critisism. If I keep myself to myself and never say a word no one can find fault with me, and if they do, they are wrong, because they are not seeing the real me. If other people critisise me then I must be as bad as I fear I am.

So there you are. Knowing why I do things doesn’t help. I’m still scared of this lunch. Before medication I would have picked at my food and been too self conscious to eat anything much, but now I can eat fine, I just zone out and go quiet. My latest coping mechanism is zoning out, retreating into myself to so that I become an eating husk of a person.

I suppose it all sounds very crazy. It IS crazy. I am crazy. I live in a strange world where the rules are different. Big things do not excite me, small things do. Big things scare me, but the little details scare me more. Everything that people find easy I find hard. A lot of it is genetics. A distant relative of mine jumped off her roof and died, a rather large percentage of my family are on some kind of antidepressant, my auntie had a nervous breakdown. My mum had post natal depression. I am ambidextrous (write with left hand, do everything else with right hand). I don’t know if the hand thing has anything to do with anything, but it’s kind of weird, don’t you think?