Corporate Bollocks

Oh Lord. Just when I think my job can’t get any worse, I have just been informed that I have to attend 4 seminars. Module one is about ‘Building Partnerships.’ The agenda is as follows:

Defining a partnership and it’s inherent characteristics
Overview of the skills required to produce partnership relationships
Barriers to partnership
The role of mind set and self talk in establishing parity in relationships
Exploring problem solving skills
Case studies of how to add value to a colleagues role
Case studies of communicating ideas and solutions to problems
The concept of ‘emotional bank accounts’ in partnerships
Identifying and action planning key relationships
Coaching notes and plan

Emotional bank account?? WTF??

I am livid. It’s compulsory, so nothing short of death can get me out of this one. My manager told us all there were no role plays. But if there is I’m walking out. There will be ‘discussion’ and an informal atmosphere. But even so, it’s my worse nightmare. It’s in the middle of London for a start. 1-5.30pm. I’m going with a colleague I know and am friendly with, but I find that out of the office environment these work relationships are somehow odd and difficult, and suddenly conversation is strained. And I feel so bad that she has to come with me, because I will be having a nervous breakdown, I will be an incoherent mess, I will be out of my mind on *Nurofen Plus.

You may wonder what the big deal is. You probably do these sorts of things all the time. But I don’t. I remain sane and in control only when I am in familiar situations and have some idea of what to expect. It’s one of my many ‘issues’. Put me somewhere I don’t want to be, with people I don’t know, in the middle of a place I don’t know, doing a course on something that may or may not require me to voice opinions about something I couldn’t give a shit about. Add to that the fact that I don’t have a choice about anything. I HAVE to go. It’s all corporate bollocks. Many buzz words with no substance. Read the agenda again. Give me a reason why I need to be there. It’s not necessary for my job. I don’t have any contact with our clients, I don’t need to kiss anyone’s ass. I do my stupid little officey stuff and go home. I get on with the people in the office well enough.

The whole depression thing rendered me defenseless, a child. I took my meds and got a bit better, and I developed a few coping mechanisms. One being that I surround myself with the familiar, a ‘safe’ environment. If I know where I am/what is expected of me then I can deal. I fear what I do not know, and torture myself with thoughts of what may/may not happen. I’ve spent years cocooning myself, and if something bad comes up, I can usually find a way around it, or I have someone to guide me through.

It’s not just one seminar either, there are 4 of the fuckers. One each month. So it’ll be hanging over my head until November.

*Nurofen Plus make me feel a little calmer, it gives me a kind of serene feeling. It contains codeine. I realize this is not a healthy way to deal with stress, but in times of desperation it’s what I turn to, and also days when I just want to zone out and be numb.