The Big Earthquake of 08

So there was an earthquake last night, around 1am. A whopping 5.3. Of course it’s nothing compared to other countries, but this is the UK. Things like that aren’t supposed to happen here. So it’s a big deal. All over the news. It woke me up – the bed was shaking backwards and forwards, and stuff was rattling in my room. It only lasted about 10 seconds. This morning it added an air of excitement to the day. How sad is that? I got overly excited by something new and unexpected happening in an otherwise extremely dull and boring week.

Progress

There has been progress, of sorts.

The prozac reduction has been an up and down sort of process, but I am slowly getting myself together, and things are coming back – my urge to create, my urge to read, getting up in the morning is just a bit easier. It’s also baffling, as I’m having to feel things again. Here and there, I will get angry, or sad, and I have to keep telling myself it’s perfectly normal to feel these things in small doses, and it’s not a sign of mental collapse. I still get scared when I have a proper emotion, because I assume it’s the depression coming back, when in fact, it’s just a regular human emotion. I’ve lost touch with my own feelings, having been used to about 5 years of sugar coated, padded feelings. It’s a very slow process. Things come back bit by bit. They creep in so that I hardly notice them.

I’m still fat though. Hurtling towards obesity. That is a whole other ball game. That is going to take effort.

My Day

It’s been sunny today. I went on the internet a lot. I worked a little. I strolled into town at lunch. Saw a crazy man talking to himself. Waited in line at M&S with some lunch, along with all the other office workers. I thought to myself, ‘I’m one of them.’ Felt disgusted. Am wearing a t-shirt with lots of little cats on it. I don’t care if I look childish. Ate lots of fruit. Then I ate a chocolate bar. 505 calories. Went to the office toilets, examined my stomach, as if I expected one little walk at lunch to make a difference. Took 2 Anadin Extras, no codeine. Felt bored, and also restless, and also very tired with the world. Drank a smoothie, it tasted sharp and made me wince. Silently seethed at co-worker who goes on endlessly about healthy eating. Didn’t talk much. Got to clean my car tonight. Emailed my boyfriend. He’s ordered Ladytron ticket for their gig in May. 35 minutes to home time.

I Like Birds

Birds, I have discovered, are good to ease a low mood.

Whilst in Wales, sitting in a café, eating caramel shortbread, a robin flew through the open window, and just kind of chirped away on the floor. I dropped some shortbread crumbs, and he ate them up, then chirped for more. The waitresses threw me dark looks. This robin has made a habit of sponging off the customers. I think he was just trying to make his way in the world, and had discovered a genius way to do it. So there I was, inches away from this pretty little robin, singing his pretty little songs for my shortbread. The waitresses chased him away with a broom, but he just flew in through the window again, and came back to my feet. It’s quite something to connect with a wild animal.

There’s currently some bird chirping away very loudly outside the office window. It’s nice. Maybe I’ll get myself an aviary.

The Man From Eels

Just read, ‘Things the Grandchildren Should Know,’ by Mark Everett, or ‘E,’ from Eels. I like the music, but was also intrigued by his personal life, because his whole family plus friends kept dying all around him. His memoir was not particularly well written, which I expected. He’s not a writer, he’s a music maker. But it was a very interesting read. It left me thinking that I’d really like to have a chat with him. Share ideas. He’s quite fascinating really. A man so consumed with music making, and it was that which pulled him through when all else around him was in tatters. I wish I could be so consumed with something. I’m interested in things, but there isn’t anything that I feel particularly passionate about. Which is sad.

Anyway, I looked Mr E up on the internet, and found out his tour dates – he’s coming to Oxford in March. So I booked tickets to see him. I will be breathing the same air as this man. I’m always drawn to people who have seen the depths of depression. I’m very excited, or you know, as excited as it’s possible for me to be. He puts on quirky shows apparently, or so the book implies. I’m a fan of quirkiness. I so wish I could talk to him. He’d be so interesting.

Glum

Two 20mg Prozac tablets a week. That’s what I’m down to. Further than I’ve ever gone before. I have noticed a slight panicky feeling sometimes, like I’ve slipped into another reality where nothing is safe – but it’s fleeting, and I expected it anyway. I don’t really feel that different….I’m quite blank today, but I had blank days on full dose too. Also off the codeine – for now. I long for it’s calming effect though. But I think it was damaging my insides.

Coming to work is a hellish experience at the moment. Maybe it’s the removal of the prozac’s comfy padding effect. I’m feeling the boredom of work more intensely, feeling more dissatisfied and restless. It’s not nice. I think antidepressants make reality more bearable, more sugar coated. Now I have to learn to live with it’s harsh nastiness and horrible people. I have to be smack bang in the middle of reality, and all my escapes are closed to me now. No codeine to take me away, hardly any prozac to make things seem safe…..can’t find solace in chocolate, because I need to lose weight. Went shopping over the weekend and bought nothing because I couldn’t find anything I liked. Shopping ALWAYS used to make me feel a bit better.

Ok, so I’m having a bad day. I’d rather like to take some Nurofen Plus. SOMETHING to take me away from this horrible place.

Snowdonia

I just came back from a trip to Snowdonia, North Wales. A beautiful place. There are mountains, and lots of greens and browns and reds and trees and lakes and fresh air. Sheep skittering about on the hills. Old slate walls and old abandoned slate houses here and there. Beautiful rocky streams.

The boyfriend and I drove along and up winding roads, some of them single track, which was perilous. We went to the Welsh Mountain Zoo, Portmeirion (where they filmed The Prisoner), and an assortment of scenic drives. I could feel the fresh air cleansing my insides, and my skin became clear and healthy. It was nice. Not an ounce of codeine was consumed, not a flicker of panic as I ascended and descended the huge mountains.

Then of course, I came home. North Wales is beautiful and clean, but I was kind of glad to come back to civilisation, to shops and good places to eat, and anonymity. In Wales, small villages are speckled everywhere, and everyone seems to know each other, and wherever you go, the locals look at you with a mixture of boredom and confusion, like you’re an alien. It was kind of like stepping back 40 years. I like my shops, and restaurants – all the facilities that have made me the fat, greedy capitalist that I am today.

Coming to work again is a major downer. But I’m planning to go to Budapest around April/May time, which eases things somewhat.