I’m a little bit stuck. The boyfriend and I had planned to move in together in August, after the lease on his flat runs out. I had planned to move to Oxford, work in Oxford, travel a bit with the boyfriend, and generally change everything about my life.
But, the boyfriend has been very difficult lately. Very needy. Nothing kills passion more than needy desperation. And my feelings for him were never that strong anyway. I had blamed prozac for this general apathy, but now I’m not so sure. As I reduce and reduce my prozac dosage, nothing is happening. I always cruelly wondered if I could do better, while the boyfriend goes on and on about how perfect we are together. There’s this terrible guilt I feel, for not being able to reciprocate, and also the panic, as I get in deeper and deeper. First we became official, then we got engaged, then we agreed on a time to move in together….it all seems like too much.
To end it all would cause him a lot of suffering. I feel terrible for saying this but…..if we break up, my travel buddy is gone, and all hope of me going abroad and seeing the world is gone. I’m woefully unsociable, and my only other friend is a bulimic who is at best unreliable, and has no money, and no desire to travel. She’s lovely and I adore her, but I can’t travel with her. And life seems pointless to me, if I can’t travel and see the world.
I am a cruel and terrible person. I should have gotten out a long time ago. I should have stayed single, and never tasted the wonderful Paris (which gave me the travel bug).
But maybe this is just the fear talking. I feel a lot of pressure to move in with him. I’ll be 26 this summer. That’s too old to be living with the parents. I cannot afford to go it alone.
My choices are thus:
1 - Stay with boyfriend. Move in with boyfriend. Live a life of travel and independence from parents, whilst feeling a degree of love and affection for boyfriend, but not the proper love that he claims to feel. Live my life feeling the constant nagging doubt that I could have found proper love with someone else.
2 – Break up with boyfriend. Stay with parents till the day I die. Never go beyond the UK. Never go out, except for the occasional trip out with the bulimic friend.
3 – Break up with boyfriend. Meet the love of my life. Become a famous artist.
Option 3 is nice. But highly unlikely.
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About Me
- Girl, Interrupted
- I wanted to write a blog about normal stuff, but it has turned into a memoir of depression, with a few mundane observations thrown in for good measure.
2 comments:
That's a tough one. You want the advantages the boyfriend gives you but at the same time, you don't have the passionate feelings for him he claims to have for you.
Here's an opinion and you are more than welcome to take it with a grain of salt: Tell him he needs to lighten up on being needy. That may sting him at first but when you explain it's a turn-off, he might losen up. I don't know his personality so I don't know if he'll get the message or if this will make it worse. However, I do believe it needs to be addressed. I'm no expert in relationships, believe me, but I'm right with you when it comes to the dawning realization that we need to consider our own feelings and needs and stop trying to please other people. In the meantime, start going to art galleries and finding out how to get art displayed in them or, if you are graphic designer, start looking online for graphic design houses. I don't know what kind of art you do but don't let ANY relationship stop you from pursuing it!
You Go Girl!
Boo
Thanks Boo Boo - as usual, sound advice. I'll have a talk with him, and perhaps wait it out a few months to see if I still feel the same way...
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