Some Musings from the Weekend

i

I’m sure Facebook is a convenient way to keep in touch with old friends and stuff, but for me, yesterday, as I perused the list of people I used to go to school with, it was traumatic. Some people had become unrecognizable whilst others looked exactly the same. Some had spent a lot of time and effort creating a photoshopped, airbrushed, perfectly posed photograph, obviously needing some kind of validation. And who am I to critisise? I would do the same. I’d want to show all those fuckers I went to school with that I had become successful, or at least, try to project a veneer of success.

I think I must have looked up everyone I’d ever known, driven by the kind of curiousity that makes you look at car wrecks or ask to see people’s scars. Suddenly, at my fingertips, was the power to reacquaint myself with the people from my past. I don’t in actuality think I would create a profile for myself, because I quite like hiding. My life is small and mostly manageable. Throwing it open to people from my past is a scary prospect. I don’t think I’ll torture myself by looking at Facebook any more. Or MySpace. Or Friends Reunited. I must learn to create my own life without comparing it to others. I must not look back.

ii

My friend Suzanne is going through a stressful time. So on Saturday night we had a takeaway and watched a film I had brought from home. ‘Garden State’ – the tale of a man who had been on Lithium since he was 9 and at 26 decides that there was never anything wrong with him so he comes off the meds, and slowly learns to re-discover life and love and breaks free of the numbness. A rather sweet, but unrealistic film. I thought Suzanne might like it. It’s quite a hopeful film. And like it she did. She liked it so much her eyes were puffy from crying. I felt somewhat virtuous that I had given her the gift of ‘Garden State.’ I felt I had done a good thing. But then I though the smugness from doing the good deed eradicated any good kalma or brownie points for selflessness. It’s not a good or selfless deed if you feel pleased with yourself for doing it. I do like to make people happy, but partly because it makes me feel happy. That’s not selfless is it? I don’t think I’m a bad person, but I’m not entirely good either.

iii

My cat, Ben, who is ginger and lovely and who swishes his tail like a dog, broke his paw. His back-right paw. It puffed up to twice it’s normal size and he got really grumpy, understandably. The vet gave him injections last night, and is doing an x-ray today, as I type this. Obviously I’m not typing this from the waiting room, I’m at work. Dad had to do the honours. I know when other people talk about their cats it’s boring, but it’s only a short paragraph, so bear with me. I’m nearly done. Ben loves good food and the outdoors. Neither of which he was allowed to enjoy last night. He was under house arrest, and he hated it. All night he scratched the walls and wailed. Today he’ll be stoned out of his little head due to the anaesthetic used to achieve the x-rays. Poor Ben.