Engagement

I’m engaged, and I will be getting a new car on Saturday.

Both events should be exciting, but I am not excited. Yes, I am a brat, a selfish horrible person, but I cannot get excited, only scared. I seem to have some mechanism in my brain that blocks appropriate emotional responses. I am numb at Christmas and on my birthdays.

I have never felt that the boyfriend aka fiancé was ‘the one.’ I love him as much as I am able and I think we work well together. He is the only person I have ever encountered that doesn’t snore, or make any noise when he sleeps. He likes to do the same things as me. We agree on most things. We want the same things. He is understanding of my moods and tolerates me as the far from perfect being that I am. I’ve never met a man before that I could see myself living with. With my fiancé it is so easy. So now I have a very pretty ring on my finger, and a feeling of fear in my heart. I am 25 but feel too young, not quite ready for this. But the wedding will not be for a few years, and we have to see if we can live together first. There is no certainty here. My auntie broke two engagements in her time, before finally finding the right man. One of my co-workers broke an engagement. I am not trapped by the pretty ring, the yellow cubic zirconia white gold ring that squeezes my finger. Quite fitting that it’s a synthetic diamond really. Since the engagement itself doesn’t feel real, and I am not 100% certain that it will result in a wedding. I look at that ring now and I don’t know quite how I got here, to this point.

The parents were shocked. Everyone else seemingly pleased for me, wanting to know details, when in actual fact I want to keep it quiet, to pretend it’s not happening. I don’t want a party or presents. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. Because I don’t want to end up alone? Because I don’t want to hurt him? Because I am afraid of change? I never have liked to rock the boat. I never like to cause a fuss. This engagement is a big deal to everyone else. But I would rather process my new status quietly for a while.

The new car is a Toyota Yaris. I have graduated from a Nissan Micra, the car of the elderly, to a Yaris, another car favoured by the elderly. But I’ve never been concerned with style, only reliability. And Japanese cars are reliable. It has a CD player and air conditioning, which my old car didn’t. It goes faster and smoother and is in general a more enjoyable drive.

All I’ve heard all weekend is ‘are you excited?’ ‘why aren’t you excited?’ Which make it harder to feel anything. And I’ve been thinking about a bloke I used to know, he’s in a band, a bad boy. I know why. I know I’m fantasizing about other men as a way of not thinking about the engagement, and how scared I am about it. I am very scared. I don’t like change. Things are shifting and I don’t like it.