The Crying Game

A VERY strange thing happened last night. I craved a smoothie. I’ve never craved anything healthy in my life. So I am happy. Now all I have to do is work on the simultaneous craving for chocolate.

I hate to talk medication again, but I have to. It’s something I really need to get sorted. I’ve decided to somehow persuade my GP to prescribe Wellbutrin (Buprion), because I’ve read up on it and it doesn’t cause weight gain, if anything it causes weight loss – hurrah! The sertraline is doing fuck all except blow me up into some fat lethargic blob. So I cut my dose in half, and braced myself for withdrawal. It’s been a week now and I’m not dead, so that’s good. Nor have I been suicidal. But yesterday I cried for the first time in ages. Yes. Real emotions are starting to break through. I’m starting to become human again, but I don’t like it. I cry at anything now. I cry at adverts on the TV. I know it’s stupid to mess with meds like that, but I just wanted to see if I could do without it, and the grass is always greener. When you’re on meds you want to feel stuff properly again, and when you’re off meds you want the oblivion again. I can’t win. So I’ve decided to try Wellbutrin.

The boyfriend moved into a new flat over the weekend. I helped him carry stuff. I walked up and down stairs so many times my legs still feel wobbly two days later. It’s a nice place, it’s just very small. We snuck in his 2 cats (you’re not supposed to keep pets at the new flat), but they caused such a noise and they used to like running around, and the flat isn’t really big enough for that, so he has to get his ex wife to take them. I cried a lot over the weekend. I cried when I stood in his old empty flat because it was a nice place and we’d had some good memories there. I cried when I heard the cats had to go. I cried when we’d unpacked some of the boxes, because this new place just isn’t the same as the old one and it feels strange. I don’t even have to live there. I don’t know why the hell I was so upset. But I was, and I cried like some odd fleshy fountain.

There’s panic too. I’m panicking about everything. How do regular people cope? I have the GP appointment on Wednesday. If I can just last that long I’ll be ok.