A Slight Improvement

For a few days now I’ve been more articulate, and a little more animated. I still feel a bit out of it but I have noticed a slight improvement in mood. Negative thoughts still exist, and a general pessimistic attitude, but on the whole I have noticed a difference, and my life is a fraction easier to handle. I seem to have put on 3lbs seemingly overnight, but then I have been eating rubbish for ages now, it was bound to catch up with me. 11st 7lbs is BAD for a 5ft 5 person. I weighed myself a few days ago and it had gone down to 11st 6lbs, but even so, that’s enough to cause a full blown depressive episode in itself. So now I’m controlling my calorie intake, and trying to cope with almost constant hunger (which could be a side effect of the sertraline). I’m terrified I’ll keep expanding, that the price I pay for sanity is obesity. I feel like I have no control over my weight. If I keep getting bigger despite a calorie controlled diet then I’ll change meds. I was thin before all of this antidepressant shit. I’m worried I’ve messed up my metabolism.

I’d be happy as a UK size 12. I do like having curves, as to me it seems more womanly. But being a size 14, teetering on the edge of being a 16 is not good. I need to exercise, but right now all my willpower is focused on the change in diet. There are cakes in the office, it’s someone’s birthday. I will not budge from my seat. I will just be hungry. Maybe I’ll get used to the hunger. People all over the world are coping with much worse.